Friday, August 15, 2014

A Weird Place

I feel like I've been in a weird place lately. I can't pinpoint when exactly it happened or why, but I just have really been wanting to do my own thing. It's really strange to grow up and realize that I've kind of become an introvert in a lot of senses. I used to completely be that girl at every party who was desperately seeking the spotlight and constantly needed to be surrounded by a large group of people. The idea of that these days sounds like the most unappealing scenario of all time.

I've heard it said often that you really need to love yourself before you love others, and I do think that's true. However, I also think that in the process of falling in love with yourself, you fall out of love with a lot of other things. I don't really seek approval from others now because I'm more comfortable in my own skin than ever. I used to have a serious case of FOMO (fear of missing out) about pretty much everything, and now I'm sometimes happier if I do my own thing instead. It's really weird and I don't know whether I should be happy or sad about this mental state change.When I really break it down, it seems like I should be sad about it, but if I'm doing what I want to do instead - why should it upset me? I think it's more of just a change for me, and sometimes change can be a little bit intimidating.

Another thing I've been noticing more and more these days is the fact that I am really particular about who I spend my time with. Even just a few years ago, I thought that I had really figured things out when it came to my friends. But since then, things have changed even more drastically. I just can't justify spending time with people who don't value spending time with me. I don't want to hang out with you based on the justification that we've hung out before. I find myself carefully budgeting my time and ensuring that the people I want to give my time to get it. Why would I spend those days with people who don't make me feel something or who I have to genuinely put effort into creating conversation with? It just seems so pointless to me at this stage of my life.

And I know I'm busy, but I do that on purpose. I'll admit that last year I slacked off a little bit in various aspects of my life (that happens when you buy a house), but I really just don't want to spend every night after work on the couch. I'm happiest when I'm moving, thinking, creating, doing. I get that this isn't for everyone, but it makes me value my time a lot more. The free time I do have is like gold, and I think that plays a huge role in why I'm so choosy with who I give it to. I'm sure this has painted me as a selfish and "boring" individual in the minds of many, but the truth is that I'm doing exactly what I want to do. And if you can't recognize and accept that, then you aren't that important to me anyways.

Overall, I'm getting good at letting criticism roll off my back. People don't understand how important it is to surround yourself with positivity in every aspect of life. From your friends to your choices to how you look at an hour, it all boils down to mindset. I realize that my journey moving forward doesn't include everyone I've met along the way, and I realize that I haven't always been this way. But I like where I'm headed, so I'm just going to continue with what I'm doing. Hopefully it won't feel so much like a conscious change one day, and I can enjoy this as the new norm. I'll get there.

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